It seemed only yesterday that I was sitting with Jesse, giving him a kiss good night and he was saying his nightly prayers. “Lord I pray that Bubba Reef will come out RIGHT NOW” haha.
Now that ‘right now’ is here….Our new little boy has arrived. Almost nine months of waiting and many sleepless nights for my beautiful wife but all that evaporates and what is left is a clear image of a great future for our new little man.
The awesome responsibility of having a child is never has raw as it is that week after there birth. They are so small, so helpless and so incredibly loved. Holding a 2.8kg child that is solely dependant upon you being sane, controlled, strong, compassionate, soft but firm, inspiring but approachable, loving and above all present in there lives. Is a very overwhelming feeling.
I feel it overwhelmingly because unlike my gorgeous new son, I am acutely aware of my flaws, and there are days when they cause me to doubt myself, to sell myself short. Reef does not see them, does not actually even look for them. To him, I am his Dad. Pure and simple. He trusts implicitly that I have his best interest at heart, and believes in me completely.
In the light of this I kind of understand the passage where Jesus said in Mark 10:15 “Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it”
It is 1st of September now, 4.5 months on from that beautiful day. There have been some very challenging times, but we are very blessed. Reef is a very content little guy. He is sleeping well, feeding well and starting to really express himself. The biggest challenge I have found to be honest is the dynamic of Reef being my second son, but my wife and I’s first.
I am not sure why I never finished this entry, maybe because I could not express the challenge that was facing me articulately. The date today is 28th April 2011, Reefy just turned 2 years old and for the last year has been in melbourne with his Mother. It is looking like they will be there for good. I have this punch drunk sense where I am waiting to feel something but nothing comes. I suppose it is like when you get badly physically hurt and you don’t really feel the pain, kind of like your body protecting you from how bad it really is. Because if you felt it would probably would die from shock.
At times I get this overwhelming sense of sadness but need to push on. I am looking, trying, struggling to look for a lesson in all of this. The moral to the story, the good that comes from bad, the silver lining. Although I feel life has sold me a lie here, that sometimes there is no silver lining, there is a sad story that has no moral. It is just sad. I just need to accept it, smile and move on. Be there for my boys, be the Dad they need. I am not naturally a pessimistic person, although I do feel sometimes in life we need to get real. Love life with all it happiness and pain. Stop glossing over that which can make us human. Our failings, our junk, our successes.
I saw a show the other night called insight and they spoke about birth order, and it kind of answered the challenge I was having when Reef was just little. They spoke how I felt, that I neither favoured one or the other, but loved them in different ways as they were both very different little men. I could never quite explain this to Reef’s Mum, she always thought I loved Jesse more than Reef. I never did, I loved them both equally, just in different ways. Kind of like how you would love your parents I suppose. You love them equally, but in different ways.
P
