I know what you’re thinking…..actually I don’t. The two words “Perfect” and “Tension” when combined seem to be the ultimate oxymoron.  When I think of perfection, I think of order, beauty, sense of fulfilment, achievement, satisfaction. When I think of tension, I think of frustration,  opposition, misunderstanding, ugliness, wasted time.

How I relate to my boys, now and in the years to come, needs to be in perfect tension. Like when I see those freaks walking those tight ropes. If they have that pole in the right position, then they can walk that fine line perfectly, but if that pole gets out of balance…..they fall and fall hard.

I find myself in the probably not that unique position of having  Jesse from my first marriage and now being blessed with a new little man from my second mariage, Reef.    With all my heart I adore them equally.  I look at Reef, and thank God that this life is a life of second chances.  I look at Jesse and I thank God that this life is also a life of redemption.

I could not have got this second chance without walking through that redemption first.

Can perfection be achieved without tension, I would have to say from my experience (which is not all encompassing)…..No.  It would seem that in this very flawed world. Perfection is that way of balancing success and failure.  You lose your balance, and over correct, then bring it back….to your balance again. Then keep walking the rope.

I was in the ocean tonight on my stand up board. When riding that board you are constantly correcting your balance, your body is in constant tension so that you don’t fall off.   The amazing thing about this is that it works parts of your physical structure in ways that you would never see.

So I fall and get back up, curse myself, swing around with my back foot planted deep back on the board. Slide into a wave effortlessly, although with great effort.

I always remember a quote someone said of Jerry Lopez at pipeline “Grace is the ability to make something very difficult look very easy.”  I suppose that is where perfect tension finds its perfect place.

If I can master that and bring grace to those critical times, that perfect tension will result in a strange peace. That moment, when you feel the wave lift you up, and draw you down its face, sweeping off the bottom and looking to the next section.

Likening life to riding a wave is cliché I know, but we learn through our passions.

As a dad, as I put one foot in front of the other, across this very very thin rope that is being a good Father, friend and person in general.  I try to hold everything in balance, over correct, correct again, slip, regain, appear strong and in control, yet completely vulnerable and scared at times.

Looking for that moment of silent calm, that perfect tension. Where I know I am doing ok.

PM

It would seem in every situation in our lives we have the ability to choose.   Tragedy befalls us, through no fault of our own at all, we still have the chance to choose our response, to shape the outcome of that terrible moment. Sometimes those horrible moments are completely from our own doing. In that time we can choose to move forward in guilt or repentence.

There is always a opportunity to choose.  A quote I love is “Our choices are the hinges on which the door of destiny hangs”.

I knelt down in front of my son last weekend, as he tried to explain to me that wanted to stay at his Mums house, and not come over for the 3 days that he normally does.  My heart shattered inside. I could see in his beautiful little eyes, the confusion and sadness.  Interally I was torn just like he was. I wanted him to come, but I did not want him to come against his own will.   I said to him “Mate, you know I adore you, think your a legend and love you to bits, and there is a home at Dad’s for you if you want to come. But I understand your sad, and I just want you to be happy.”

I walked back to my car without him, for the very first time in the three years.

When it comes to my boys, all I really want to do is be the best possible man and Father I can be.  In that I expect them to know that I am not a perfect person, but that my heart will always be for there best.

This morning I remembered the story of King Solomon and the two Mothers fighting over the child. I think the story was that one Mother’s child passed away, and she had taken the other Mothers child.   As the quarelled over who’s baby it was. King Solomon said that if they could not decided he was going to cut the baby in half and give each mother half.

He did this knowing that the child’s true mother would never let this happen to her child.  So the real Mum steps back and says the child is not hers.   To protect the child.  The king knows in that moment the true mother.  I hope by my decision to step back last sunday Jesse will realise how much I love him.  That by no means is a negative reflection on his Mum.  It is just so many kids these days are being cut in two, because parents are fighting with each other over the child and not realising that due to that choice the child eventually suffers.

In all honesty this week has been a tough one,  in comparison with other people maybe not. It has just been tough.

I am sure we have all heard the words ‘the truth will set you free’, and i am sure we have all experienced moments where we have felt the real and sometimes brutal truth of these words.

My Mum always use to tell me I held my cards close to my chest.  I held back how I really felt about times, people, trouble, hurt.  I held the my truth close to me. And some how ironically holding truth keeps you captive to it.  And sharing it, gives you a freedom of self that you would never be able to find any where else.

I want to be able to sit down with my sons in the future and be truthful with them about life.  In the classic movie ‘newy weds’ there is a scene when the Dad is talking to his son about life and marriage. He says ‘photo albums always show the happy times, but it is the difficult times that are not in the albums that make those happy moments you see.’

Truth is not saying ‘It’s all good’. Truth is saying ‘It is not all good, but it all can be made to be for your good’

I look in Reefs eyes, into Jesse’s eyes and I see truth without words. The way your children look at you is more honest than any words can ever be.  It also can cut deeper than any words.

I have learnt over the years that no matter how difficult it is the truth is alway better. As the quote says “The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself.”

Who we are is the truth about us. In the Pslams it says “I knew you substance before it was yet formed”  This is by know means a avenue to excuse bad behaviour, but it is a window to the the veiw that if we are truthful with ourselves, humble and real with our flaws along with our strengths.

So as my 8 week old boy and almost 6 year old boy sleep in there beds.  I know as I sleep tonight, and wake before dawn once again tomorrow I need to be honest with myself and my boys.

Sleep well. Till next time

Pete

To define intention it is the “purpose or attitude toward the effect of one’s actions or conduct“  It is to act with a specific purpose in mind, to act with a certain attitude.  If you have lived life at all you would know that even though you have that specific intention in mind, you sometimes just don’t make it.  I don’t know how many times I have thought or said “But my intention was good….”

I am by no means a man who has it together or figured out.  I remember a good friend telling me once when I was staying at his home in Notting Hill.  He was doing a article on a form of research that some English scientists were doing on the brain. The amazing thing they were finding, was that even when they made discoveries, they were left knowing even less.   Why?  Because as the discovered a new facet, it opened up new areas they did not know of.  The more they discovered, the more they realised how little they knew.

I have had one of those weeks, where I honestly have felt like I am no good to any of the ones I love the most.   Reef is sleeping well, he is such a champ. Usually the routine is, when Karinda goes to bed, I get the little guy off the sleep (if he is not already).  The other night, he just would not settle.  It had been a busy day until then, and I was tired.

Then I felt myself getting frustrated at Reefy for not going to sleep, even trying to reason with him “come on little man, time to sleep, Dad needs some rest”.  I felt so guilty for getting like that,  like such a failure. Karinda got very upset and said “You would have never got frustrated like that with Jesse.  When the truth was, of course I had, because I am only human and love both boys the same.

What had happened to those good intentions of helping my wife, putting my son to sleep.  I had derailed myself.

I remember now back to when Jesus calls his disciples out of the boat.  Peter steps out with great intentions, but there are wind and waves, he lets them effect him and sinks.   I am not sure what lesson to glean other than, I need to identify when the wind and waves in life are going to cause my intentions to be derailed again.  To step away and recognise what will cause me to sink if I let it.

My intentions get lost in my internal flaws. So to achieve that specific purpose, whether it is to be great and loving husband, a devoted and present father, effective and accountable provider I need to accept and work on my weaknesses.  Do I parent at times out of guilt ? Do I look to show my love in doing things ? Am I at times afraid to open up and be completely transparent out of fear of rejection ?

I always hoped for someone to love me and trust that my intentions were always good. I realized at this time I had not found this.

I certainly have alot of work ahead of me.

PM

I have so many memories of my Mum, some great and some disastrous.  When I was in first year of High school my sister and I did not eat our bananas before we left for school. So there we were standing at the bus stop, with girls from the local girl’s school standing all around and my wonderful mum, drives up to the lights in our blue Volvo station wagon, stops and yells out to us “you forgot your bananas”. We both wanted to jump in front of the next bus, but knew she would keep going unless we walked over and took the fruit.  She was crazy.

Although now I am older I realise that Motherhood, just like fatherhood is a journey of finding the right way, and when you go the wrong way, finding your way back.  A journey of loving yourself, because it will allow your children to love you for who you are not what you do for them.

Happy Mothers Day Ma

Swing , Swing the pendulum swings,

I look and a boat sails by.

The ideal thing, shattering.

stretching out my arms to fly.

Did you ever try with success in mind,

but at the close of the day you failed?

Have you ever stood in the face of a lie,

and felt that it would prevail ?

I stood to defend a shattered castle,

as it all crumbled away.

I strained to see what’s ahead,

through the wind, the waves and the spray.

It’s the crests and troughs, the push and pain

it’s loneliness that muffles my cry.

Although one thing I know, as storms always do,

subside and move away.

But thing  I don’t know, as I weather this storm

where will I be that day?

Last night I was laying on our couch slowly rocking Reef off to sleep, Jesse was fast asleep in his room, and I remembered something a good mate once told me about 3 years ago.  “It is all about doing the small things  CONSISTENTLY, that make you a good Dad.”

Small things, consistently. That is it really.  Getting out of bed, and settling the little man, laying in the bath with him, even when he poo’s on me.  I don’t want to just be remembered for giving my boys a great education, or kick ass holidays overseas, or for buying them the latest tech gadgets.

I want them to remember me being there when they were so sick they felt like they would die, and I was there holding there hand even if I was dry reaching….I want them to remember playing with there cars with me in there room.

Tonight I gave Jesse a kiss good night, and opened his curtain and you could see the moon, he was so wrapped that he could see the moon from his bed,  and for a moment we lay there and looked up at the magnificent night sky.  It is moments in life that change you, moments in life that you remember.  I remember a moment when I was a very little boy, I smelt a very distinct type of  pipe smoke and thought it was my Dad, but it was my grandfather, and at that moment I realized how much I missed  my Dad.  I want to remember more moments from my childhood, but I can’t. They seem not to be there.

My Mother did an amazing job holding together our family after my father passed away, and in no way am I demeaning her great efforts, but I look to my own motivation. I have to say, my motivation is to give my kids the riches memories of there childhood I can.

They will at some point realise that there Dad is fallible, and has made mistakes in his life. Although at that point I hope with all my heart that they will see a man who, despite living some moments with failings has positioned himself constantly and lovingly in all the most important moments of there lives.  A man who has not been afraid to saturate himself in ever part of there upbringing whether it be traditional or not.

Take the lead in the nappy change, in the settling before bed, in the burping. We as men cop out too easily with the excuse “it is not my role….I have worked all day…” Get over yourself and think of how your kid will remember you. Will you be able to say at y0ur son’s 18th, that he crapped on your hand when he was a baby.  Or that you never changed his nappy.

So instead of you having to remind them that you do or did the big things obligationally….”I put you through a good education…” Let them remember you for doing the small things constantly, and those moments will build a great relationship with them.

Just because you own a surfboard it does not make you a surfer.

Who you are as a person should define you, not what you do. If what you do defines you, that can be taken away, and hence you can be taken from ……you .

You can end up sitting alone in a car outside a small loft in London, on a very cold February night, after teaching very eager college students on how to walk in believers authority,  crying out to God because your losing a role, and feel like your losing yourself.  Wondering to yourself that if you lose position in ministry, do you lose position with God….

Man, I tell you I remember that night. I remember the tears, I remember the ache in my soul, and I remember the cry in my heart. I also remember the voice of God.  I remember Him saying to me “if you heart is right, your decision cannot be wrong….” That night I stepped out of that pimped up Renault a new man.   The youth guys loved that car.  It had a boot that told you if it was open.  Sammy and Grace used to leave the boot open just to hear the car say “your tailgate is open” … hahaha classic.

I realised from that day that if ever I used what I did to define me; I was always in jeopardy of losing who I was. But if I used who I was to define what I did, I could never lose.

This is a tricky one though, because I feel defined by my role as a father, as a brother, son, friend.  Although in truth, those roles are actually defined by me, who I am, how I embrace who I am, accept it, love it.  I read the Psalm where David says “I am fearfully and wonderfully made, great are your works oh God.”

He is talking about himself, how HE is God’s great works.  My goal is to be defined by a revelation that who I am not what I do is what God is really interested in. The Bible says that he has counted the hairs on our head, not the heads in our home group…..Is that too much? I just feel we get derailed sometimes from our point of reference.

There are people written of in the Bible who have stood before God and made a grand list for him what their achievements were, and he has said quite clearly….”I don’t know you…….”

Father’s do this with their children sometimes.  Say to them in their latter years. “But I gave you a good education, plenty of money, every opportunity, everything you needed.” And their kids turn around and say “but I never knew you……”

A call to all Dad’s, it is who you are not what you provide that you kids will remember and cherish. I never had the honour of remembering my Dad, as he was taken before I knew him.

Although all the stories I hear from my sisters and Mum are not of what he brought them for Christmas, or  birthdays, or the stuff that modern day society shoves down our throats.  But it is the stories of his smile, his demeanour, his heart and love.  How he was gentle and kind.

I have found that Jesse does not care what I do for a job, but he does care if I can sit with him and play cars or watch the sun rise, or look at the stars at night. The other night Jesse and I sat on the balcony with the chiminea burning, he said to me as he looked up at the stars. “Dad this is a night I will remember forever, those stars are so beautiful they make me want to cry…” I actually was taken aback, but realised it was one of those moments in life that rarely pass by, but when they do you need to grab hold of them.

Be the definer not the definition.

What kind of parent do I want to be? As I sit here at 6.40am on my way to work, I think to myself this question. What kind of parent do I want be? The one thing I cannot change is who I am fundamentally, my personality, my 30 years of social programming, my tastes, likes and disliked and my innate leanings passed down from my parents.

Although in light of all this there are things about me that I know I must change to become the Father that I want to be for my son, and future children. My children will grow up and have a world view based upon what they see in me. They will grow up and treat people how they see me treat people, they will talk to there friends and to authority figures how they hear me communicate.

I feel that I as parent we are a constant mirror that our children are looking into to see what they should look like. They see us frown they get unhappy, they see us smile they smile back, and giggle. Talk quietly to them and they respond with gurgles and coo’s. This is a constant challenge for me to watch all that I say and do, so as to not reflect a bad image onto my son. I work in computer networking and some devices run on an operating system that is called an ‘image’. Now when you load that image onto the device it needs to be complete, with nothing missing, or it becomes corrupted and the device will never work properly, sometimes it will not even boot up. It will just get stuck in a loop, trying to boot up over and over but never succeeding.

Not that our children are a piece of hardware, but the image that we load into our kids needs to be a good image or as with the computer, they will find it hard to function effectively in this every expanding world of ours.

So I look at myself and look for where my image may be corrupted. It can get corrupted by so many things, a bad deal from our boss, someone cutting us off in traffic, a friend or family member not treating us well. I suppose I can tend to be skeptical and wary of people because of some experiences I have had with people in the past. When you trust someone and they let you down, or do not do the right thing it is hard for you come to a place where you can do that again, but I cannot push this onto my children.

I feel the need to be more patient, and less particular, not so hard on myself. I never want to project this onto my children. I know better than anyone how imperfect he image can be sometimes, so my constant challenge is to look to perfect the image that I am reflecting onto my children, whatever that takes.

1 Corinthians 13:12

PM

Have you ever been in the situation where you are sitting in the toilet cubicle at work and there is someone in the next one along really having issues. Something similar to the Battle of Waterloo, where you feel sorry for the water and the loo. All you really want to do it get out of the bathroom before they come out, and there is this race once you’ve flushed to washing your hands to exiting.

That moment where you don’t make it, and they flush and walk out of the cubicle, eye contact is a definite no, and if it is someone you know, what do you say?

Not how are you? You know how they are….3 kilo’s lighter and wanting to be somewhere else. So you do the standard quick, with no reply needed…….”Hey” and you get out of there.

There are all sorts of moments in life. Great moments, tragic moments, moments that move you, and those moments that make you stand very still. Then there are all the ones in between that we very rarely remember. I have always found that those incredibly awkward moments are the ones that make me laugh the hardest……obviously in retrospect. An awkward moment is defined as “embarrassing or inconvenient situation; caused by lack of social grace”.

Have you ever been in a situation where you are so afraid of awkwardness that you behave in a way that can only lead to it?

Odd isn’t it?

If you try to avoid it you’ll inevitably find your way there, but if you almost embrace it, you seem to push it away. Many years ago when I was a youth pastor, I was on a youth camp and it was a Saturday night meeting. It was the end of the service, lots of kids had been really touched by God and I was just laying down the front on my back spending some time with God.

I have found that when I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit I get kind of teary. Little bit annoying to be honest, but just the way it is. So there I was lying on my back, a little teary and one of the young guys came up, knelt next to me and began to pray. It was cool at first, heartfelt and sincere. Then his tone changed, he started to try casting demons out of me. I was not actually aware I had any in the first place. So I lay there with my eyes closed, wanting to laugh my guts out, but not wanting to discourage him.

At one point I had the overwhelming urge to open my eyes really wide, put on the most demonic voice I could and say to him “we will never leave him, he is ours forever……forever hahahhhaahha (evil laugh).” Suffice so say I did not…I laugh about it now though. I don’t know if there is anything to learn from these moments, some maybe. But they have made me laugh, and it is good to laugh.

It is good to laugh at ourselves sometimes, not take ourselves so seriously. If God invented laughter, then why do some people feel they are too good to laugh a themselves. I will teach my boys to never take themselves too seriously, to embrace there quirks and uniqueness and never to be afraid of others seeing their vulnerabilities. If we’re good enough for God…we’re good enough…..Psalm 139:13-16

PM